Why Marry?

 Why marry?  Why not live and enjoy life together as long as it lasts, and split when it’s not working anymore?  This is a question that many young (and not so young) people ask themselves today.  As a matter of fact, Rambam tells us that the institution of marriage began at Sinai.  

In the laws of marriage (Mishneh Torah Kiddushin 1:1), Rambam writes: “Before the Torah was given, when a man would meet a woman in the marketplace and he and she decided to marry, he would bring her home, conduct relations in private and thus make her his wife. Once the Torah was given, the Jews were commanded that when a man desires to marry a woman, he must acquire her as a wife in the presence of witnesses. [Only] after this, does she become his wife. This is [alluded to in Deuteronomy 22:13]: ‘When a man takes a wife and has relations with her....’”

Each word in the Torah is exact, and any seemingly extra word or even extra letter teaches a lesson.  The words that the Rambam quotes seem strange.  “When a man takes a wife.”  Isn’t marriage an equal partnership between two people?  Where is he taking her to?  Our Sages taught that the words “ki yikach ish isha,” when a man takes a wife, teach us that there needs to be a commitment and an “acquisition” between them before they can form a true emotional and physical bond.

The ceremony is performed by the man placing a ring on the woman’s finger in front of witnesses, followed by the Chuppah and Yichud, when the two go alone into their home together.  There are many details to this ceremony, and other ways this can be done by Biblical law, but this is the basic structure of Jewish marriage.  

Why does the Torah require a real marriage commitment before a couple may live together? Much of today’s society would prefer a return to pre-Torah marriage without obligation.

The answer goes back all the way to Creation.  The Talmud tells us that while all animals and birds were created distinctly male and female, Adam and Chava (Eve) were first created as a single being with two sides, male and female, and then Hashem split them in two.  In the animal world there is a drive to procreate.  For humans, the ultimate goal is to return to being one.  

Kabbalah takes this a step further.  Every soul is actually made up of two parts, male and female, which  is split and born into two bodies.  The natural attraction that we feel toward our soulmate,is our soul being drawn to its other half.  The Torah teaches that true unity can only come about with commitment.

I saw a commentary quoted by rabbi Shneur Ashkenazi that the numerical value of the Hebrew word “Ahava” – love, is 13, the same as the numerical value of “Echad” -  one.  True love comes when two people are committed to each other without the ability to easily break away if things don’t go as planned.  It is living through the ups and downs of life knowing that we have to do everything we can to make the relationship work that truly brings us together.  Without commitment it is much easier to separate, and the struggle to make things work is less intense.

At the same time, the Torah does allow for divorce in case things absolutely can’t work, which is also a way to help keep us together.  If there is no way to exit a failed relationship, a person may become complacent and feel as if they can take the relationship for granted without having to work on listening and hearing their other half.

The Hebrew word for marriage is Kiddushin – which means consecration.  The bond between a man and a woman through halachic marriage is more than just commitment.  It brings our souls and our bodies together in sanctity, and sets the stage for us to create a home that is a Sanctuary, a place where Hashem’s light is felt.