How to Lecture Your Loved Ones

 “Hocheach tochiach et amitecha” – You shall surely [insert translation here] your friend.  Compared to the holy language of Hebrew, English is very clumsy, and it’s hard to encapsulate the true meaning of the word “Tochiach,” but the typical translations include words like “rebuke” and “correct.”   Halacha teaches us that, because we are responsible for one another, when we see someone going on the wrong path we should help them find their way back.

The big question is: how do we guide them back?  We have all seen images and heard stories of  “very religious people” putting others down for their “sinful behavior” like violating the Shabbat or eating in non-kosher restaurants.  But, is this really religious behavior?  Is this the way the Torah intends for us to behave toward one another?

Let’s take a look at how our greatest leader, Moshe, dealt with this issue.  This week parsha begins Moshe’s 40 day “sermon” to the Jewish people just before his passing.  He repeated all the events that happened to them since they left Egypt, and instructed them on the practices they would perform and observe upon entering the promised land.

He also encouraged them and reminded them how beloved they are to Hashem, and empowered them with the mission of transforming the physical land into a place of holiness and spirituality.  

Moshe started this 40 day lesson with a rebuke.  He reminded the people of how they worshiped the Golden Calf and how they complained and rebelled against Hashem in the desert. Instead of open admonishment, however, Rashi tells us that Moshe couched the talk of negative events in allusion and allegory so as not to embarrass or offend the people.

In addition to the careful, sensitive presentation, Rashi points out, Moshe also waited until the end of his life to rebuke the nation.  One reason is so that they should not have to be shamed in front of him again and again.  

This does not fit the image of a tough rebuke by a strict leader to a rebellious people.  This is a loving message to a beloved people, helping them see where they need to improve, and guiding them to a better future.

The holy book of Tanya teaches that if someone is not a close friend, and not on our spiritual level, we must show them only love, never rebuke.  If we see something negative in another, the Baal Shem Tov said, we should realize that we are looking in a mirror and Hashem is showing us our own similar faults.  The greatest Mitzvah in the Torah is to love one another unconditionally.

If we feel we can help someone correct something, it should only be approached with love and understanding, just as we approach flaws in ourselves.  Often when we see that our own actions need correction, we cut ourselves a lot of slack, and try to justify our wrongdoing.  We certainly don’t hate ourselves, and we definitely don’t go around yelling at ourselves.  

We learn from Moshe, who was the ultimate authority and was in a position to offer rebuke, to do everything we can never to shame anyone in any way.  We must always put love in front, and be sure not to offend or upset people with our teachings.

This lesson is especially important now, during the period known as “the Nine Days,” when we mourn the destruction of the Holy Temples.  As our Sages teach, it was unwarranted hatred that led to the Temple’s destruction, and it is with unconditional love that it will be rebuilt.  

This year, because the ninth of Av is on Shabbat, instead of fasting we will be feasting, and the fast is postponed to Sunday. May it be permanently postponed by the coming of Moshiach and the speedy rebuilding of the Holy Temple.